24 Years

The Kabbalah teaches a lesson about how to think in positive terms: blessings not chaos; who does love us and not who doesn't; what we have as opposed to what we do not. All good things to think about, if you're in the right frame of mind.

It took me a long time to embrace anything close to these teachings after my father died. I couldn't think of anything positive coming from his death when he died at such an early age. It sure felt like chaos to me. Who would I call when I got an "A" on a 19th Century Literature paper? Why couldn't he be here to give me away at my wedding? Why isn't he here? What would my children do without a Grandpa Jack? And while I always knew he loved me, he wasn't there to love me anymore. Essentially, all I thought about for many years after his death was what I no longer had. That seems pretty selfish when I think about it.

Then one year on July 22 (the anniversary of his death), I realized that I needed to remember not what I didn't have after he died, but more importantly what I have now because he lived: great and happy stories from my childhood, a strong work ethic, the ability to observe and marvel at the world around me, the knowledge of wood and tools, a wish to connect with my neighbors, a strong kinship with nature, and the capability of love toward many.

I need only to glance in the mirror to be reminded of him: the same red hair, the same crooked smile and green eyes. And many things I do each day are because he either taught me these things or I learned them by observing him.

And while I miss him terribly, even after 24 years, I can honestly say now that I realize what I had when he was alive. And what I have now that he is not. And I'm completely thankful.